The Life-Changing Magic of Stepping Back
Food for Thought
The thing Jay dreaded most about his otherwise-good previous job was the performance review cycle, where managers would come together to grade employees, stack rank them, and dole out bonuses according to those ranks. It was so stressful that many people would freak out about it as soon as each of the cycles concluded. Employees would optimize their work and their networking to get as high a score as possible, even if it meant rushing a job or prioritizing short-term goals over what was better for the long term. It was a game at its core, and not a fun one at that.
That sort of thinking isn’t unique to corporate performance reviews: we see it on social media, in our peer groups, or even in our own minds, where we compare ourselves to others, hoping to be better, make more, own a nicer home, work a nicer job, raise more successful kids, or have more friends. Society teaches us to stack rank, and if you’re fortunate, you end up on top and reap all the spoils. If you’re not, then you either need to try harder or are just plain not good enough. Tough cookies.
We fight over pieces of an imaginary pie instead of asking how we can make that pie bigger for everyone. We create rankings where there are none (unless you’re talking candy bars, in which case, Twix over everything, no question). We make decisions using rules we dislike, optimizing for outcomes that society tells us are good, rather than those that bring joy and fulfillment.
What a terrible game.
One of the best things about being on sabbatical is the opportunity to step away from such an overbearing process and ask ourselves what game we really want to play. It’s harder to compare ourselves to co-workers because, well, we don’t currently have any. We can’t compare our career progress to those of our peers because, well, we’ve decided to take a break. We, at least for the moment, are playing a different game, so it doesn’t make sense to compare, just like you can’t compare how good a basketball player is to a soccer player. Their objectives are different. You can celebrate the beauty of each player’s game without asking whether one is better than the other.
Now that we’re making our way back into the job market, we try to remind ourselves about the bigger picture we’ve been able to see since we’ve been given this precious opportunity to watch everything from the stands. Are the decisions we’re making, including the jobs we eventually take, helping us become better spouses, family members, friends, and contributing members of society? Or are we jumping into a game whose rules cause us to think and act motivated by scarcity rather than by abundance?
What game are you playing? Maybe it’s time for a time out to see.
Shoutouts
🎂 Happy Birthday to Mimo, our most fashionable friend and Jay’s fantasy football guru. We hope your coming year is filled with Dublin Dr. Pepper, Texas brisket, and limited edition sneakers from snobby streetwear brands!
Better Together
Feel like you’ve been caught in a rat race amidst national turmoil during a pandemic that spurred an economic recession for much of the country? We know: it’s a lot. If you need someone to talk to, rant to, send you good vibes, or say a little prayer for you (forever, and ever, you’ll stay in our hearts…), feel free to let us know via our connection card (anonymously, if you like). We read every submission, keep the submitter in our thoughts, and reach out if appropriate. It’s tough out there. We’re here for you.
Soundtrack
“More Like Love” by Ben Rector
This song is guaranteed to make Jay cry whenever he hears it. (Those of you who know Jay will not be surprised because you know he cries a lot in general.) The lyrics have always provided solace through the inevitable “That’s all?” that comes after achieving a material goal or the frequent “Is that all?” that comes from disappointment. It reminds us that being love is a goal worth chasing, maybe the only one worth chasing.
I used to think I wanted to be famous
I'd be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I've gotten what I want
It lets me down
But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
More lyrics can be found here.
“Holy” by Justin Bieber feat. Chance the Rapper
The Biebz and Chance?! Where do we sign up?!
Seriously, this song is a vibe. And if you’re looking for a follow-up tearjerker after the last one, definitely watch the video. It reminds us that our value isn’t found in what we do for a living or where we live, but is inherent and undiminishing regardless of circumstance; that our greatest work is not what happens when we clock in, but how we act towards other people.
For the full list of songs included in our newsletters, click here.
As always, please keep in touch! We’re so lucky to have seen so many of you in the months since we’ve returned, and we hope to keep seeing even more of you with each passing week. If you’re in the Los Angeles area and are open to a socially distant hangout, just holler! And, don’t hesitate to shoot us emails, texts, chats, or video invitations—you’re all the best part of our days!
Love,
Jen & Jay